Some time ago, a colleague dropped by, grimacing as he reached for his back, a slight stoop to his posture.
“You know you’re getting old when merely standing up brings on the aches and pains,” he said, perhaps looking for some sympathy.
I don’t know about that, being a fit, handsome and incredibly, eternally, youthful man. But it did get me to thinking about the signs we, or rather you, give off to reveal the fact Mother Nature takes no prisoners.
Sooner or later we, I mean you, surrender to the slow, relentlessly grim pull of the reaper. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for you!
Anyway, enough joviality. Here are some behaviours I’ve seen that indicate you, not me, are getting … mature.
When you not only don’t recognize the song being played, you have no idea what kind of device it’s being played on, you know it’s all passing you by.
If you talk more about your snowblower than sex, life, as you have known it, is ending.
When the bartender calls you sir instead of buddy, it’s a sign the age train is pulling into the station.
You know you’re getting on when you break wind in public, and either don’t know or don’t care.
If your back goes out more than you do, it might be a sign the years are piling up.
When you start to scream at the neighbourhood kids, and they’re not even on your lawn, it’s a sign old man grump has come calling.
When you start to laugh like the Penguin (think about it), don’t be surprised if someone gives up a chair for you.
If someone starts to tell you the good news about prostate health, man-o-man you are past it.
If you still think polyester is cheap stuff, your days as a fashion hound are well behind you.
If you get on the dance floor and even attempt to ‘do the hustle,’ grab the next bus for retirement city because they have a lovely lawn chair waiting just for you.
If someone calls you at 9 p.m. and asks if they woke you, age has become a factor.
When you get into the elevator and start to hum along, just step off between floors because there isn’t anywhere to go but down.
If the name Lawrence Welk even enters you vocabulary, grab some popcorn – with butter substitute of course – and watch the show.
When just about everything under the sun or moon has the potential to annoy you, it might be time to admit your capacity to just ‘put up with it’ is diminishing as fast as your bone mass.
You know you’re getting on when you start to worry about getting on – unless you’re an excessive worrier who has been obsessing about age since you were 20. If that’s the case, well never mind.
I know it’s rough getting old, but someone has to do it. And just remember, there’s always someone older than you. If not, man are you old!